Tuesday, June 13, 2017

Pushing through and breaking down

Most days I push through
I push through
    Muscle spasms
    Pain
    Body parts that don't work
    Humiliation 
    Curious looks
    The loneliness that doesn't let me be alone
I push
    I push
        I push.
I push through
    Thoughts of death
    What will I miss?
    What will my kids miss?
    What will happen?
I push
    I push
        I push.

Yesterday 
I couldn't push through
Words like
    Resignation 
    Retirement 
    15 YEARS TOO EARLY
    Disability
They floated around me as I existed in a fog
They floated around me as I cried in anguish
Words like
    Feeding tube
    Consultation
    Surgery
    Anesthesia 
They brought upon anxiety
They brought upon uncontrollable fear.

I tried to race it away
Six miles an hour around the neighborhood 
Tears stinging my eyes 
Racing off my face
like driving raindrops through a storm
I could hear the howling coming from my body
I clinged with all my might
To whatever
To whom ever seemed safe.
Slowly
The storm began to calm
Slowly
The anxiety was replaced by a numbness
That left me devoid of feeling
A going through the motions
Letting others do for me
And move me
Sleep would bring relief
A new perspective
Tomorrow
I will push through.







1 comment:

  1. Hi Deb, it's your neighbor Alan. I just want you to know that your cries and oh so painful transparency are driving many many people to pray on your behalf. During my own times of suffering, fear, and depression, I've found the following psalm a helpful reminder that God too hears our cries:

    Yearning for God in the Midst of Distresses
    To the Chief Musician. A Contemplation[a] of the sons of Korah.

    42 As the deer pants for the water brooks,
    So pants my soul for You, O God.
    2 My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.
    When shall I come and appear before God?[b]
    3 My tears have been my food day and night,
    While they continually say to me,
    “Where is your God?”
    4 When I remember these things,
    I pour out my soul within me.
    For I used to go with the multitude;
    I went with them to the house of God,
    With the voice of joy and praise,
    With a multitude that kept a pilgrim feast.
    5 Why are you cast down, O my soul?
    And why are you disquieted within me?
    Hope in God, for I shall yet praise Him
    For the help of His countenance.[c]
    6 O my God,[d] my soul is cast down within me;
    Therefore I will remember You from the land of the Jordan,
    And from the heights of Hermon,
    From the Hill Mizar.
    7 Deep calls unto deep at the noise of Your waterfalls;
    All Your waves and billows have gone over me.
    8 The Lord will command His lovingkindness in the daytime,
    And in the night His song shall be with me—
    A prayer to the God of my life.
    9 I will say to God my Rock,
    “Why have You forgotten me?
    Why do I go mourning because of the oppression of the enemy?”
    10 As with a breaking of my bones,
    My enemies reproach me,
    While they say to me all day long,
    “Where is your God?”
    11 Why are you cast down, O my soul?
    And why are you disquieted within me?
    Hope in God;
    For I shall yet praise Him,
    The help of my countenance and my God.

    The Lord bless you and keep you;
    the Lord make His face to shine upon you and be gracious unto you;
    the Lord lift up His countenance upon you and give you peace (complete peace about the past, the present, and the future). Amen

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