Friday, May 26, 2017

So, here's how its going

Went into a restaurant today and every person already seated turned around to look at me. I am not exaggerating.
I think some people are surprised to see me out and about, but I REFUSE to become a recluse.
I am looking a little scary lately.
Doing my hair is very difficult.
It is really hard for me to wash my own hands.
I am going to be fifty in August.
I am losing the use of my mouth muscles - regularly biting the inside of my mouth as I swallow the extra saliva that I am producing for reasons that I don't understand.
I bite my tongue when I sneeze.
I am having more trouble swallowing my food.
I am eating less because I can barely hold a fork or my food.
Soon people will have to start feeding me.
Will I go out if people have to feed me? Probably.
Then people will really stare at me!
I have regrets about mistakes I have made.
However if I didn't make those mistakes I wouldn't be the person I am today.
I am still making mistakes.
Raising kids is really hard. Really. Hard.
I miss walking barefoot.
I miss being able to straighten up the house by myself.
My stomach muscles and some of my joints hurt.
Advil is not helping.
I can't talk when I cry.
I sound drunk when I talk.
I am sleeping with my arms and hands all scrunched up even though I make a conscious effort to go to sleep with them straight.
Both of my pointer fingers are gnarled.
Adam is planting a vegetable garden.
We also have a few bird feeders in our backyard.
We get blue jays, cardinals, a few different kinds of woodpeckers, and many squirrels.
Adam is getting very pissed at the squirrels.
Yesterday I saw a red-winged blackbird. It's my favorite bird.
The days are running together.


  1. I applaud you for going out--it's not just brave it's REAL and I hope you keep doing it! I also hope you had an enjoyable time with family and friends. Just like young moms who assume we know that others are judging us--maybe those who turn to look at you are just saying, Wow--look at her--she is amazing! It's Wonder Woman!

  2. I can do a list.....
    I get a hug, if I want, every time I transfer my honey from one spot to another.
    I have gotten good with our pivot discs.
    I feel needed. It's a nice feeling.
    Deb has wanted a garden for a few years. She got one.
    I put bird feeders in the back yard and we have enjoyed them. I hate squirrels.
    We shower together. It's pretty awesome.
    I give Deb her pills twice a day. She is like cute little bird, if she doesn't choke on one.
    I've redone our front landscaping and it's been hard work but fun. Almost done.
    We take walks around the neighborhood sometimes with and sometimes without the dogs. I think I may need to start going to the bike. Deb is fast.
    It's been nice having all the kids home, when they're not fighting.
    Why the fuck, do the clasp things on a bra, have to be that small?!
    We are lucky to live here surrounded by amazing people.
    I'm still President of the pool. I don't know why.
    I still enjoy coaching youth baseball. I was told over and over we would repeat last seasons allstars run. Talk is cheap. I got dissed.
    I let guilt cause me to miss a new friends party yesterday. Pissed me off. I did however enjoy where I was.

    Done. Not going back to edit. Fuck it.