Thursday, May 11, 2017

I'm Rambling On

I can still clean my own ears with a Q-tip. I can barely hold a fork, can no longer print my name, and typing takes me hours longer than it used to - but cleaning the ears I can still do. For some reason, the powers that be have decided that cleaning my ears is what I should be left to do, so damn-it I will do it! I clean my ears every morning. I have the cleanest ears this side of the Mason Dixon line!

I'm not alone in the house very often, but sometimes when I am I pull Jackson up on my lap and we go riding around the circle in my house. Through the living room, into the dining room, through the kitchen and around again. Sometimes I sing along to my Alexa playing country music. Sometimes I talk to Jackson, and he looks back at me with understanding. Sometimes I just ride around quietly thinking about a new blog post I want to write, or where my first graders would be right now, or what I can still do to help around the house (not much). I often laugh at the thought of my kids or Adam walking in at that moment and what they would think of me.

I had a dream last night about falling. I haven't dreamt about falling in a very long time. In my dream we had to call the EMTs to get me up. I wonder why that came to me last night. It is no longer a significant fear.  Adam and I use this pivot disc to turn and transfer me into my reclining chair, or my wheelchair, or the toilet. We fondly refer to it as the "lazy debbie disc". It is a very secure process. My parents have a hard time using it so they got me a Beezee board (I think that is what it is called). It is just another way to transfer mostly immobile people. And then there is the Hoyer lift, which we have standing in our living room, calling out to me "one day you won't be able to move at all". I won't describe it here. Trust me when I say it is obnoxious and ominous.

My voice is so child like. Not just my pitch and the fact that the words come out at the speed of molasses, but also what I am now choosing to say. When I speak like an adult, in longer, more complicated sentences, I get winded. Well, sort of. It's kind of like losing my breath, but more about my mouth/tongue muscles get tired. So I am trying to keep it short - short sentences, one or two word answers. But I really like to talk, so keeping it short is not easy for me. There are also some words that are easier to say than others. For example, it is easier to say "yeah" than "yes". And I am noticing that some people are losing patience with pacing, or how slow I am speaking, so I have had to say "please let me finish". I don't know if I am paranoid or this is real, but as my voice becomes more child like it seems that strangers are speaking to me like I have a mental disability or a delay. But in reality everyone should be spoken to the same way - with respect.

I am getting out a lot. Kim is my home health aide, but also my friend. She comes a few times a week, and even when she is here we try to go for a stroll around the neighborhood. She is very encouraging - encouraging me to keep going out, and to not be afraid. So I have been going out. This week we went to the State of Robbinsville dinner, where our family was the recipient of the Pay It Forward initiative. The dinner was lovely and I wore a dress and Lisa did my make up. I felt like the old me. And because of the dinner a bunch of old friends were in town. So we went out, and reminisced and laughed about the silly things we did when we were young and naive. And this time when David left to go home to Paris, Lisa left to go home to Florida, and Sander left to go home to California I didn't cry. I am pretty sure I will see them again. And if I don't it is okay because I hold them in my heart, and they know that I love them. Damn - now I am crying.

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