Tuesday, February 28, 2017

Letting Go

I am having trouble letting go. In the literal sense. You see I put my hand out to hold onto a grab bar, or the container of tea, or the refrigerator door, and when it is time for me to let go, I can't. Well it isn't that I can't, but it is difficult to say the least. I guess you use muscles to hold onto things and to let go. So just like when I go to hold onto something, I have to let go slowly and deliberately, letting my muscles have the time to release.

Last night I was not at my best. Sometimes - not all the time, but more often than a few weeks before - the ALS makes me feel drunk. Not that my brain is unclear - sharp as a tack my brain is! It's more like my body is drunk and slow, like I have given it up to some foreign substance and I no longer can tell it what to do. So last night I was feeling that way, on top of also realizing that we needed a little extra help with something. Asking for help is hard for me - I am getting a little better at it - but still, you know... I am lying in bed, feeling that drunk-icky-body feeling, texting friends for some help, feeling bad about both things, crying hysterically about both things, and in walks Ean. He sees me crying, I feel bad about him seeing me cry, which makes me cry more, and then he hugs me. My beautiful boy suddenly became a man in that instant and comforted me in a way only he could do.

Eventually I pulled myself together. It took a while. Adam and Ean spent some time pulling up carpet and carpet tacks from our bedroom floor, and I was happy watching them work together, and listening to them chat. I thought of how this disease is changing so much of our lives, including the roles that we typically hold. I am letting go of what I once was and adapting into what I can be. I am no longer the primary decision maker mostly due to physical limitations, but somehow the ALS is making the thought of having to make any decision completely overwhelming. So I am letting this go. I have always been independent, and I can not be that way anymore. So I am letting it go. I am learning how to ask for help with the things that I need. I am trying hard to get over the embarrassment, letting it go. I have to let these things go slowly and deliberately, giving my mind time to release.

Live to Love. Love to Live.

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