Monday, January 23, 2017


The monsters come as I am trying to go to sleep.
Keep me awake
Thinking about what could be
What if
Why not
How long
How come

I gently place my hand on Adam's side
Not to wake him
But to feel the rhythm of his breathing
To focus on something other than my thoughts

I bury my hand in Jackson's fur
Feel the warmth
And the heartbeat
calmer and slower than mine

I wonder about lengths of time
And shallowness of breath
And use of limbs
And lungs
And bipaps
And ventilators

I smile at last night's attempt at spaghetti
The strands slipping off the fork
As I slowly
And awkwardly
Lift it to my mouth
The sauce hitting my chin
Feeling the two or three pieces
Slip down my throat

I wonder about
the safety of my children
in this unsafe world
Yet quickly
becoming something that I don't recognize

I question who
will protect them
when I am no longer able

I question where
will they go for the Jewish holidays

I question will I know
how it all ends up
after I am no longer here

I turn over
As best as I can
awkwardly press some of my body
against Adam
to feel his warmth
and his breathing
and the comfort
of having him here


  1. Thinking of you. They're very tough questions and thoughts, and they're very real.❤

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