Monday, January 23, 2017

Wonder

The monsters come as I am trying to go to sleep.
Keep me awake
Thinking about what could be
What if
Why
Why not
How long
How come

I gently place my hand on Adam's side
Not to wake him
But to feel the rhythm of his breathing
To focus on something other than my thoughts

I bury my hand in Jackson's fur
Feel the warmth
And the heartbeat
calmer and slower than mine

I wonder about lengths of time
And shallowness of breath
And use of limbs
And lungs
And bipaps
And ventilators

I smile at last night's attempt at spaghetti
The strands slipping off the fork
As I slowly
And awkwardly
Lift it to my mouth
The sauce hitting my chin
Feeling the two or three pieces
Slip down my throat

I wonder about
the safety of my children
in this unsafe world
Slowly
Yet quickly
becoming something that I don't recognize

I question who
will protect them
when I am no longer able

I question where
will they go for the Jewish holidays

I question will I know
how it all ends up
after I am no longer here

I turn over
As best as I can
awkwardly press some of my body
against Adam
to feel his warmth
and his breathing
and the comfort
of having him here


2 comments:

  1. Thinking of you. They're very tough questions and thoughts, and they're very real.❤

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