Sunday, December 4, 2016

Out of sorts OR sort of out of it.

I have been feeling out of sorts all weekend.  Like I am anticipating something.  Something unwanted. Like that feeling you have on Sunday night after a really great weekend, when you don't want to go to sleep, because you know then you have to wake up soon and start a five day work week. That feeling.

I haven't been sleeping well and I am crying at the drop of a hat. I keep having these half sleep / half wake dreams where I am lost in my high school, bumping into people I don't want to see.  Or last night's half dream where my brace keeps slipping off my leg and becomes a puddle of plastic that eventually evaporates.  I am finding that I am waking up with a grimace on my face. Not sleeping makes me cranky.  Being cranky makes me weepy.  Being weepy prevents me from sleeping.  And so on.

Last night when I was trying to fall asleep I began brainstorming blog ideas.  Then I began creating a food shopping list in my head.  Then I began creating a holiday shopping list. Then I began thinking about having the means to create food shopping lists and holiday shopping lists in my head is a blessing.  Then I began counting blessings.  Thinking about my blessings made me cry.  I think that is when I finally fell asleep.  That is pretty telling, huh?  My dog woke me up a few hours later, jumping off the bed, rattling his collar and tags. That was it for last night's sleep.

This morning I was up and out of bed early in order to have breakfast with some friends.  It was really nice to sit and talk about things that had nothing to do with ALS.  I ate a lot (that seems to be a theme for me), and relished the normalcy time.  I canceled plans to see my nephews.  I am not in the right state of mind to see them.  It's not them.  They are awesome.  I just don't want them to see me in this "out of sorts" way.

Now I am trying to stay awake for the rest of the day because if I don't nap maybe I will get to sleep early and feel more like myself tomorrow.  Maybe this "out of sorts" me is myself.  Maybe my feelings are out of sorts because my body is out of sorts.  Maybe I am out of sorts OR sort of out of it because I am not sleeping well.

I need to change my thinking.  Thinking about good things and blessings and the kindness of others makes me feel happy.  Not just happy like the "I'm smiling" happy, but the kind of happy that takes your breath away and makes your heart flutter.  I hope you all know at least one instance of that kind of happy.

Adam is always, ALWAYS, at the top of my blessings list.  I am amazed every day on how much he wants to care for me.  Me!  This man still loves me and still thinks I am sexy, even as my body is failing me. Sometimes the sad thoughts haunt him and we are sad together.  Together.  We are doing this together.  He is a true blessing.

Adam's love and patience.
Bracelets - showing up all over town.
Having lunch with Lisa.
Laughing really hard with Lisa.
Crying from laughing hard with Lisa.
A visit from Abby.
Abby taking care of my Dad.
My Dad feeling a bit better.
My Mom cooking for us.
My Mom's chicken soup.
My Mom making vegetable noodle soup for G.
Driving with my parents.
Dinner with the Curbishleys.
Richard's chocolate cake.
Watching Ean swim.
Unexpected kindnesses.
Teachers at Ben Franklin Elementary School.
Learning about top secret meetings.
Laughing with Adam.
Hugging G and E.
Talking to Sarah.
Sarah's poetry.
Kathleen taking G out driving.
Texting with Danielle in order to get it all out.
Visit from Marian.
The big, black envelope.
Unforeseen generosity.
Cards in the mail.
Organizing the box.
Finding surprises when organizing the box.
Having people who love me do something that is emotionally difficult for me right now.
My stair glide (that will make my list every time!)
The golden leaves on the trees that are still holding on to Autumn.
Having faith that a good teacher is working with "my kids".
Wonder Woman stamps.
Looking through photographs (non-digital).
A box of Florida grapefruits and oranges.
Hershey kisses.
Chocolate turkeys.

I feel like this list could go on for a really long time.  That, in itself, is a blessing!
I also feel like my blog posts are starting to get a little redundant.  I might need to take a break.

Live to love. Love to live.

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