Tuesday, November 15, 2016

Something a bit more uplifting

Let me apologize for my last blog post.  Boy, what a downer!  I know I don't really have to apologize because my blog is MY blog and I get to say and write what I want, but I reread it yesterday and I thought people must think that I sit at home and only think sad things and feel sorry for myself. It is actually quite a mixture - a mish-mash of feelings.  I can feel sorry for myself in one minute and then be laughing at myself the next.  Let's talk about laughing.  One of the effects of ALS is the inability to control my emotions, specifically laughter and crying.  So I no longer can giggle a bit, I laugh with gusto.  And I no longer just tear up, I sob uncontrollably.  It is so weird.  I was told I can take a medicine for this if I would like, but right now you all are just going to have to deal with it. Honestly the crying part isn't much different.  I have always been a big crier.  I feel like you know that and I have said that more than once.

This morning was a perfect example.  Adam and I were doing my stretches.  I find that to be a bit depressing actually because I am not supposed to move the muscles myself - I am supposed to be passive. (By the way I now HATE that word - passive.  Need to come up with something different) So I am laying there feeling pretty shitty and sorry for myself, when my stoma (her name is Consuela) starts to make noise.  It makes noise every once in a while, but this morning it sounded like it was singing.  And that made me laugh.  So my mood was saved by the singing Consuela.  

In my last blog I listed sad things.  Today I am going to list things that make me happy.

This is my card container.  In it I have stuffed all the cards and letters I have received over the past ten months or so.  I say "stuffed" because there really is no more room.  It is filled with well wishes and beautiful thoughts.  It is filled with complex messages and simple expressions.  They are all so very important to me, every one of them.  Sometimes when I am feeling low, I pull a few out and reread them.  Most of the time I just have to look over at the container and feel happy.

I feel happy when I look over at my living room couch and see my dog Jackson sleeping on the top of it, right in front of the window, sort of like a cat would be laying in the sun.  He is really not supposed to be up there but Adam gave up and put a blanket up there for him so he wouldn't ruin the couch (or because Adam secretly loves him and wants him to be comfortable).

It makes me happy when I am resting on the couch and my kids come up and just start talking to me. We talk about nothing in particular, but it is comforting to feel them treating me the same.  

It makes me happy when Adam is helping me with something like standing me up or taking off my socks, and he leans over and steals a kiss.  

It makes me happy to know that my friends still want to see me.

It makes me happy to hear Gillian ask me quietly if I need a lighter fork, or after she and Ean know I have been crying they ask me if I am okay. They are taking care of me.

It makes me happy that Sarah will be home in eight days and I will get to hug her and squeeze her!  

It makes me happy to have my parents around to hang out with.  I love spending time with them.  But it also makes me happy that they can go back to Florida to take care of themselves.  They need to do that.

It makes me happy that I have planned get-aways with family.

It makes me happy to look at the colorful leaves on my lawn and listen to the noise they make as my dogs walk through them.

I am happy when I write my blog.

I am happy when I eat chocolate cake.

I am happy that I reconnected with some cherished friends.

I am happy to received thoughtful messages from people I don't know who have gotten something from my blog.

I am happy to know that my students (they will always be my students) are being so well taken care of and are learning and flourishing.

I am happy that some of my closest friends are in Israel and loving it!

I am happy that Ean is on the swim team and comes home hungry and exhausted from practice.  

I am happy just having another day to find something to be happy about.

I am happy to know that I now have this list of happy things to read when I am not feeling happy.


  1. How about instead of "passive" the word is "supported?" "Supported stretches." :)

  2. I don't "like" any of this, but I appreciate even "down" blog posts...I appreciate knowing where you are at and being included in what's going on. Especially because we don't run into each other in town all the time. Thanks for being so open. Hugs & Love

  3. Just...thanks, Deb. For the ups and the downs. You really are touching people's lives hither and yon. I feel like you need some super red lipstick for Consuela the Singer!