Monday, October 24, 2016

BALLS

My favorite time of day is the exact moment I wake up in the morning.  I lay there for a moment with my eyes closed.  I take in the sounds from outside - the cars, the blue jays.  Sometimes I can hear the chickens from the house behind us.  Sometimes the kids' doors opening and closing as they are getting ready for school.  I can smell the toothpaste from their bathroom.  The dogs are often still sleeping and making running noises in their dreams. Sometimes I am awake before Adam and I listen for his steady breathing.  Sometimes I wake after him and I hear the shower turn on, or the creaking of his armoire door as it opens but often doesn't close.  This is all very normal.  A typical day in the Dauer house.  A day like every other day, but glorious and awesome in its existence.  Nothing has changed during that moment.  Everything is as is should be.  I used to take those moments for granted.  I don't anymore.

This weekend, visiting Sarah, was filled with more than those glorious waking moments. I felt those moments with my eyes open.  They came to me as I listened to her talk about her friends, her classes, parties, and politics.  They came to me as we rolled through campus looking as the colors of the trees, seeing the beauty of her campus, and having her point out where she sits in the library.  I felt those moments as I met her friends, listened to beautiful voices, and as we sat for delicious food.

I even felt those moments in my own clumsiness.  I felt it as I was trying to crawl into bed at the hotel and I fell over like a turtle and couldn't get up.  I didn't hurt myself and was able to laugh as Adam took advantage of the situation and smothered me with kisses.  I want these moments all the time.  I am looking and searching for these moments.  I want to feel the beauty in the ordinary.  I want to laugh and learn and love these experiences and people that I might have taken for granted before. Before.  Before ALS.  B.ALS.  Balls.  Heehee.  Balls.  (Now if I was on FB right now this would be the moment I would tag my first grade team, specifically Momma Cindi as this is funny only to a few).

Today I consciously looked and listened for those glorious yet ordinary waking moments.  I sat outside and felt the cold breeze and the warm sunshine drift over my face.  I watched the red, orange, yellow, and purple leaves fall off all the trees in my backyard.  I listened for the chickens and heard the rooster.  I sat and talked with my parents.  I looked at Ean and Gillian and appreciated how grown up they have become.  I ate chocolate cake and spinach lasagna with gusto (not in that order but that would have been okay too!).  I gave the dogs a few extra biscuits.  I found pleasure in going through paperwork, rereading some thoughtful cards, and throwing away some junk.  I made healthy lunches for my teenagers.  I read.  A book.  I wrote.  Letters.  I am trying to think of what is best for others and also for myself.  And make it balance.

I am going to continue to look for these moments and relish in them.  I am going to use them to help guide me to make some difficult decisions.  Like some sort of spiritual guidance.  Maybe.  I don't know.  That just came to me.  I haven't thought that through yet.

Balls.  Heehee.



3 comments:

  1. I love you. Your words moved me to tears - not sad tears. Love tears. Wish I lived closer to you. Ox - Mindy

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  2. This might be my favorite post yet. I'm so glad you had a great visit to Sarah's and all went well. I love how you find meaning in things, like WW, like poop, like balls. Thanks for sharing!

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