Monday, June 13, 2016

Ramblings

It has been a few weeks since I have blogged.  Not because there hasn't been anything going on - quite the opposite.  I just didn't feel like I could put into words all the things that are running through my head.  And let me tell you, there are A LOT of things running through my head!  So today I am just going to ramble on about all these thoughts and concerns and emotions and hope that they come out in some semblance of order.

Surgery.  My surgery is now nine days away.  And everything I do feels like the last.  Today was the last major food shopping I will do before my surgery.  Today was the last time I will see Lisa and Abby before my surgery.  Tonight I cooked the last chicken parm. Friday night was my last date night with Adam. I am going to do these things again in my life, but I feel a finality about June 22nd that I can't quite understand.  Maybe because my body will take a long time to recover and I will be so different physically.  Not sure.

My body.  I have been looking at my stomach more than the normal person lately.  My belly. Abdomen.  The muffin top.  It is squishy and soft, like that of a 48 year old woman who has a few extra pounds.  But it is smooth and really without scars or marks.  And in nine days I will have a scar and an extra hole in it!  So weird.  I want to take a picture of it so I remember what it looks like. What the hell is wrong with me?!  I am sitting here crying over taking a picture of my belly!

Crying.  I cry all the time!  But as ALL of my friends and family will tell you, that is nothing new.  I have always been a crier.  More so lately.  I think the emotions of impending change, and my oldest child graduating high school, my middle child having her religious school confirmation, and my youngest graduating 8th grade are all compounding the emotional roller coaster I have been on. There are days when I am unsure that having this surgery is the right choice, and that sets me on another crying spell.

Neuropathy.  Weakness in my right leg, a drop right foot, and loss of balance which requires me to wear a MOFO (brace) for support, so I can walk around.  I went for some neurological testing last week with a doctor that I really like and respect.  He is confident that I should go through with the surgery, but wants me to come back and meet with him when I feel up to it so we can discuss and move forward with a plan to help with this issue.  It is not enough that I have ulcerative colitis (which is one auto immune disorder), but it now it appears that I have a second unknown auto immune disorder that is causing this neuropathy.  This realization caused me great sorrow and a day where I felt really bad for myself.  I am pretty much okay with it now, as what choice do I have!?  My friend Karen (who is one of the bravest people I know) often says you must continue to fight because you don't have a choice.  So that is what I will do!

Family and Friendship.  The amount of love and support I am receiving from all the people in my life is just overwhelming!  I am so lucky to have love and kindness coming to me from all these different directions.  This is what will sustain me in the days ahead.





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