Tuesday, May 3, 2016

Today I am angry.

Today sucked.  It just sucked.  Many of my symptoms are back - the ones I thought were gone and just wrote about a mere three days ago.  I was in bed for much of the day.  Or the bathroom.  I ate one meal.  I drank a lot of water.  I was exhausted.  I had pain, and all those lovely things that come with my UC.  I was napping when my kids came home from school, and I hate that because I am pretty sure that makes them worried.
This confuses some people.  How can she be getting better than all of a sudden not be getting better? How can the medicine be working than all of a sudden not working?  I wish I knew.  I wish I understood this.  Tomorrow I have to go for some lab work.  Maybe that will give me and the doctors some answers.
In the meantime I spent the day feeling sorry for myself. And then I felt guilty because I was feeling sorry for myself.  I always feel guilty about feeling sorry for myself because there are so many people out there, many whom I love and care for immensely, who have it much worse.  I have been told many times by friends and therapists alike that I don't need to feel guilty.  I am allowed to have these feelings and it is not a competition about whose life sucks more (insert snarky laugh).  I can own these feelings.  I can allow them to creep up.  So if I am allowed to feel sorry for myself, isn't it rightly so that I am allowed to feel guilty about feeling sorry for myself?
A good friend was checking in on me last night. I told her that I don't want to feel like this anymore. I just want it to go away.  And it won't.  The UC is a determined little sucker.  So today I let it win.  I let it make me feel sick and sad and sorry for myself and guilty.  All those very unattractive qualities. Tomorrow I am going to get up and feel more determined than the UC.  I am going to read my affirmations and clear my head and do what I need to do to get myself back in the right frame of mind.  Because today just sucked.

1 comment:

  1. I'm so angry for you. That's awful it came back. I'm so glad you have this blog, though. Good move. Thinking of you today, and hoping Wednesday is better, for whatever crazy reason. XO