Today sucked. It just sucked. Many of my symptoms are back - the ones I thought were gone and just wrote about a mere three days ago. I was in bed for much of the day. Or the bathroom. I ate one meal. I drank a lot of water. I was exhausted. I had pain, and all those lovely things that come with my UC. I was napping when my kids came home from school, and I hate that because I am pretty sure that makes them worried.
This confuses some people. How can she be getting better than all of a sudden not be getting better? How can the medicine be working than all of a sudden not working? I wish I knew. I wish I understood this. Tomorrow I have to go for some lab work. Maybe that will give me and the doctors some answers.
In the meantime I spent the day feeling sorry for myself. And then I felt guilty because I was feeling sorry for myself. I always feel guilty about feeling sorry for myself because there are so many people out there, many whom I love and care for immensely, who have it much worse. I have been told many times by friends and therapists alike that I don't need to feel guilty. I am allowed to have these feelings and it is not a competition about whose life sucks more (insert snarky laugh). I can own these feelings. I can allow them to creep up. So if I am allowed to feel sorry for myself, isn't it rightly so that I am allowed to feel guilty about feeling sorry for myself?
A good friend was checking in on me last night. I told her that I don't want to feel like this anymore. I just want it to go away. And it won't. The UC is a determined little sucker. So today I let it win. I let it make me feel sick and sad and sorry for myself and guilty. All those very unattractive qualities. Tomorrow I am going to get up and feel more determined than the UC. I am going to read my affirmations and clear my head and do what I need to do to get myself back in the right frame of mind. Because today just sucked.