Monday, April 18, 2016

My UC truth

At 5:14 the other morning I was in the bathroom for the third time that night.  I was crying on the toilet.  Sitting on the toilet in pain and crying.  I was crying not really about the pain, or the blood, or the diarrhea, but rather the situation.  Because here I was again sitting on the toilet at 5ish in the morning.  It was enough already.  I had enough.  I just wanted this to be over and done and feeling better.  I want to be able to go to the zoo, or sit at the beach.  I want to be able to go to my son's baseball games without knowing if there is a bathroom open at that time.  I want to be able to get in the car AFTER I eat a meal and not have to starve myself throughout the day until I get to my destination.  I want normalcy.

And then, I was done.  Not just done going to the bathroom.  But done with feeling bad for myself.

That is my cycle.  I go through it every few days.  I think positively and post things on Facebook that make me believe (and others believe) that I am this positive person.  And I am. Positivity breeds positivity.  I read my books, find my quotes, talk to my friends, watch Ellen (because there is no one more positive than Ellen!).  Those feelings are real.  I believe that "every day may not be good, but there is something good in every day" and in "today's goods".  I really do believe those things.  In fact I read recently that thinking positive is actually good for the immune system, and lord knows my immune system can use some good.  But then I hit a wall...

The wall usually comes as I am trying to go to sleep at night, knowing that I will be up many times, as I sit listening to my husband breathing next to me, and feel the dog pushed up against my legs.  Or it comes at 5ish in the morning.  When I am in the bathroom for the third time that night.  Listening to the birds wake up and call each other in the neighborhood.  I can not be positive anymore.  It is then I cry.  But the crying is cathartic.  It is a true release of all the negative feelings that have been pent up inside of my for the past few days.  And it feels good and right.

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