Monday, April 18, 2016
My UC truth
At 5:14 the other morning I was in the bathroom for the third time that night. I was crying on the toilet. Sitting on the toilet in pain and crying. I was crying not really about the pain, or the blood, or the diarrhea, but rather the situation. Because here I was again sitting on the toilet at 5ish in the morning. It was enough already. I had enough. I just wanted this to be over and done and feeling better. I want to be able to go to the zoo, or sit at the beach. I want to be able to go to my son's baseball games without knowing if there is a bathroom open at that time. I want to be able to get in the car AFTER I eat a meal and not have to starve myself throughout the day until I get to my destination. I want normalcy.
And then, I was done. Not just done going to the bathroom. But done with feeling bad for myself.
That is my cycle. I go through it every few days. I think positively and post things on Facebook that make me believe (and others believe) that I am this positive person. And I am. Positivity breeds positivity. I read my books, find my quotes, talk to my friends, watch Ellen (because there is no one more positive than Ellen!). Those feelings are real. I believe that "every day may not be good, but there is something good in every day" and in "today's goods". I really do believe those things. In fact I read recently that thinking positive is actually good for the immune system, and lord knows my immune system can use some good. But then I hit a wall...
The wall usually comes as I am trying to go to sleep at night, knowing that I will be up many times, as I sit listening to my husband breathing next to me, and feel the dog pushed up against my legs. Or it comes at 5ish in the morning. When I am in the bathroom for the third time that night. Listening to the birds wake up and call each other in the neighborhood. I can not be positive anymore. It is then I cry. But the crying is cathartic. It is a true release of all the negative feelings that have been pent up inside of my for the past few days. And it feels good and right.